Spin, Spin, Spinning out of control…

I wish I could make you understand how I feel.

I laugh and joke and work and sail and do things, but I am empty inside. It sounds stupid, I know, but I don’t know how else to put it.  For the first time in my life I understand depression and NEVER again will I say someone is being silly for being depressed.

Nothing makes sense anymore.  Nothing is important anymore.

It\’s been three weeks and I can\’t find any meaning in anything.

It’s like you are a robot, going through life doing what is expected of you, smile when you have to, nod when you should, but all you are aware of is this deep dark sadness that has a hold of your heart and it won’t let go.  It chokes the life out of you.  One second I am having a conversation and then, in the blink of an eye, my mind tells me you have no one to share this moment with… and you never will… and it chokes the life out of me.  I stand there gagging for air, fighting to keep it together cause I don’t want to fall apart until the bathroom door closes behind me… I have never felt this way and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I’ve heard all the excuses and things that are meant to make me feel better: you are better off, the right guy will come along, he was not right for you, you deserve so much more, it wasn’t your fault, you are amazing, all in good time.

I’ve heard it all, but none of it matters. None of it makes sense.  None of it helps.

Do you know what it’s like to be the girl who is ever only good enough for the friend zone? Do you know what it’s like to be the girl who is so amazing, who deserves so much better, who just have to meet the right guy, who will be happy when the time is right, yet, the girl who is never enough?  Do you know what it’s like to be only a buddy for life, but never enough for someone to love?  Do you know what it’s like to be the girl that everyone calls amazing, but when asked if they would spend a life with me, they all go Hell No!  Do you know what it is like to only want love, yet knowing that you are unlovable?

I am an amazing girl, but I am tired of not being enough. I am tired of being pushed aside for someone else.  I am tired of always being second choice.  Never have anyone deemed me worthy enough of fighting for me, for what I am and what I bring to a relationship.  Never have I been enough to make someone so deliriously happy that they would move mountains for me.   Never have I been enough for someone to want to stick around.  Never have I been enough…

Do you know what it’s like to have someone hold you and know that tomorrow their life goes on and you will still be here… alone … and you cling to that person to hold you tighter because you don’t want it to end, yet their arms around you reminds you that they soon will be gone and you want to let go, but you can’t because it is a lifeline to you.

Do you know what it’s like to see someone and watch them speak but you don’t hear a thing, because all you are aware of is the knowing that you didn’t want it to be over and you see all the things you still wanted to share with that person and the places you wanted to go and the memories you wanted to make?

Do you know what it’s like to get to that point where you have to say goodbye, cheers, see you again, and you come up with the most stupid things to talk about just to have another minute of that person there simply because you cannot bear the thought of them leaving?

I try to be strong and believe that all will be OK, God knows I do, but it’s not OK.

I love myself and I know I am amazing and I know what I bring to the table and I am comfortable being just by myself, but for me that is not enough. I am not enough.

I am tired of being that girl

I don’t want to do this anymore

For once I want to know what it’s like to be important. For once I want to know what it’s like to really matter.  For once I want to know that I am all you need and that nothing and no-one could distract you from loving me.  For once I want someone to fight for me.

For once I wish I was enough…

And I know I’ve got to pull myself together, I’ve got to get out of this and get back on track, but I keep spinning out of control and I can’t bring my heart in line with my mind and my emotions run wild. I don’t know how to do this.

I am empty and spinning, waiting to fall.