Murky water…

Today I am a little boat floating in a dark, moonless ocean.  I am not sure where emotion ends and thoughts begin.  I don’t even know where rational stops and irrational claws its way into my being

I’ve been crying non-stop since I first opened my eyes this morning and then I get mad at myself because it\’s so stupid because I am happy and loved and then I cry some more out of anger.

I can’t stop

Today was supposed to be my 20^th wedding anniversary.  Even though I am happier now that I ever was in my married life, I’m sad because my fairy-tale was stolen from me and I’ll never have a second chance at that.  One day everything was fine and then, out of nowhere, it was ripped away from me and no matter how hard I tried or what I did or how much of myself I sacrificed it was taken away – my fairy-tale turned into a nightmare that’s haunting me to this day.  I’ll never have that – I’ll never have my fairy-tale.  I’ll never walk down the aisle and live happily ever after in marital bliss and get to celebrate a 10^th or 20^th wedding anniversary.  That’s all I’ve wanted since I was a little girl and I witnessed my grandparents live that dream.  Don\’t get me wrong, I know they had their ups and downs.  That\’s par for the course, but they kept going at it.  They never gave up, they never allowed anything to destroy their fairy-tale.  They had a commitment to each other, a bond that they protected.  They worked at it every single day.  I didn\’t have a chance.  It was taken from me and there was nothing I could do to stop – and that, my friends, is what’s scaring the daylights out of me.

I look at new relationships form, I look at people falling in and out of love, I look at break ups happening around me, I look at the effort being put in from one side and not being reciprocated, I look at miscommunication and misread signs, I look at people cheating and being cheated on, I look at divorces happening – all of these happening in front of my eyes and the realization that there is nothing to be done to stop it is just too much for me today.

We have no guarantees, do we?

We can’t make someone love us forever.  We can’t make someone want to stay.  We can’t force a fairy-tale

This thing called love is such a fragile and unpredictable thing.  I know I am loved and happy and what we have work.  I know that, but in the back of my mind there is always the knowing that there are no guarantees and it scares me beyond reason, beyond all rationale.

They say fear has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise – how do you face a monster you can not see, a monster that you don\’t know exist?  How do you fight a fear if you don\’t know what you\’re up against?  You can\’t face something that you don\’t know exist, can you?  That\’s the thing with love.  When it\’s ripped from you, it often happens unexpectedly and you didn\’t even know that there was something lurking in the background.   How do I overcome that paralyzing fear that drives me beyond reason?  How do I make my heart and my mind believe that this is forever and I can relax and just enjoy it and live happily ever after without fear?  How do I make my heart and my mind understand that I don\’t need to fear if there are no guarantees?

Today I am a little boat floating in a dark, moonless ocean